“You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side.”
Psalm 71:20-21
Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Open the
eyes of my heart. I want to see You. I want to see You…
I love those words. I used to sing this song in church so often growing up. The words did not stand out to me when I was a child, but now I find them echoing in my head this evening as I color the words in a coloring book.
This winter
break has been very restful. I have read three books cover-to-cover (for fun!!),
enjoyed many cups of warm tea, snuggled under blankets watching episodes of Bonanza,
and praying a lot for the Lord to make me more into the woman He wants me to be—to
open the eyes of my heart to what He has for me this next semester.
I think the most special
moment for me this Christmas break took place during my trip to Memphis, Tennessee.
I met one of the ladies I interviewed for an abortion article being published
in WORLD this month. I had communicated with her off and on for about six
months while I was working on the piece but had never met her in person until
this past December. We spent a day together with her dear husband Danny
exploring Memphis. We did some clothes shopping at a local Goodwill, walked
across the bridge from Tennessee into Arkansas, took a carriage ride, and rode
the elevator to the top of the pyramid of the Bass Pro shop. All of these activities
were fun, but it was the end of the day that was so special.
This kind woman sat me
down for apple pie in the restaurant of the Bass Pro shop and shooed her
husband off so we could talk. She wanted to know about my family and how I was
really doing. I did not know what to say without starting from the beginning. This
was going to be my first Christmas without my biological family. I gave her a ten-minute
synopsis of my 21-year history. I told her about the dysfunction in my home and
the many trials and “growing pains” I had experienced over the past two years. She
had spoken so freely and cheerfully the whole day but now she just listened intently
to everything I had to say. She wanted me to know she cared.
I let out a heavy sigh
after I finished. I ended by telling her that I felt very broken and homeless
in many ways and that I was struggling to understand why God was bringing me through
so much fire. She did not have an answer for me, but she took a little gift out
of a grocery bag and handed it to me. It was a little box with a pink-jeweled
heart on top. The box was so beautiful that I asked her if she was sure she
wanted me to open it. The kind woman told me that breaking the heart on top was
the point. I had to break it to receive what was inside. I broke the heart seal
and took out an ornament of a lion lying down with a lamb. She told me that God
had nudged her heart to purchase that gift for me and to put it in a box with a
heart seal that had to be broken. The kind woman told me that God sees my
broken heart and He wants me to know that He understands.
Tears formed in my eyes.
Only the Holy Spirit could have prompted her to purchase this gift and give it
to me right at a time during the holidays when I was feeling so much grief.
I went to sleep that
night full of awe at God’s kindness to me and yet with more questions as to what
else the ornament might mean.
I dreamt that night that
one of my closest friends pointed to my heart and told me that God could heal
it. I woke up befuddled as to what it meant. I usually do not dream, but this
one was so vivid I could not forget it. I wondered if God was trying to tell me
something. I just was not sure what.
I had coffee that morning with the kind woman
before she headed back to Georgia in the afternoon. She looked at me before we
ended our time together and told me that God wanted me to make time for my
healing. My eyes again filled with tears but this time I just let them fall
freely as I hugged her in the coffee shop. It felt so good to release my tears
and yet, most importantly, I felt a burden lifted as I realized that God not
only validated my pain but that He was going to heal it. He was not going to
let me bear heartbreak alone. He was going to be my father in place of the emotional
loss of my earthly one.
I looked a mess when I walked
to the back of the coffee shop to wash up, but my heart was lighter knowing that
God sees. He sees me.
Now, here I am. It’s been
about three weeks since that trip and already my heart is starting to feel that
gripping anxiety about the new semester. All that schoolwork, internships,
building new friendships and continually releasing old ones to God, and really
just climbing new mountains.
Nevertheless, it is the
refrain of that song that is going through my mind despite all the worries. Open
the eyes of my heart, Lord. Open the eyes of my heart, I want to see You. I want
to see You…
Yes, Lord, I want to see You.
I need Your healing hand this semester. My heart needs You.
