A Remembrance

  "And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:13

    A young girl waits expectantly on a sidewalk outside of a mental facility. She has been there for months. So much hurt behind and yet so much hope ahead. She sees a little fuzzball of a puppy in the arms of her sister and she cannot stand still. She runs to greet her furry friend and scoops him up for a kiss. How glad she is to be going home! Her mom stands by with the camera videotaping the moment and the young girl's sisters stand beside her. The healing journey began several months ago; it isn't over. It is true that the world dealt her a hard blow at such a young age. She knows what it is like to be unloved, to be used, and to be afraid. She knows what it is to cry--not the tears a girl cries when her mom grounds her from going to a birthday party or when the cute kid next door doesn't acknowledge her existence.

    Her tears come from a broken heart, a broken life. Broken, but not crushed. Bruised, but not vanquished. 

    Our world is so broken. Women and children, like the young girl above, should not know what it is like to be physically or emotionally abused. Men should not have to search for their identity in the suitcases they hold or the cars they drive. Young adults should not have to turn to drugs and sex to make them feel that life matters. People should not have to live broken lives, always in search of a remedy. 

    Oh, how desperately the people of our world long to be remembered! How much the wandering heart desires a home, a safe place, where he or she can be told everything is okay because there is someone there who loves them, who remembers them. They are not forgotten; they are not unloved and unwanted. They are pursued by the Creator of the Universe. 

    They are remembered. 

    God has been bringing the theme of "remembrance" to mind over and over again this week. As I have been studying Genesis for my Theology I college course, I have been intrigued by the number of times God remembered people in the Bible. God remembered Noah (Genesis 8:1) during the Great Flood and stilled the tumultuous cleansing of the earth. God remembered His promise to Abraham (Genesis 19:29) and saved his nephew Lot from the fiery destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. God remembered Hagar in the wilderness when she fled from the harsh treatment of Abraham's wife and comforted her (Genesis 16:7-13). Hagar called Him "You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees" (Genesis 16:13). God remembered Leah and opened her womb because she was unloved by her husband Jacob (Genesis 29:31). God remembered Rachel and opened her womb when she pleaded for a child of her own (Genesis 30:22). 

    The list is endless! Joseph, Rahab, Hannah, Ruth, Daniel, Mary, Paul...The Lord remembered them all.

    He remembers you, dear one. 

    The Lord works such great wonders in hardship, in brokenness. Our failures and weaknesses become vessels of beauty that run to meet their Maker instead of cowering in the dark. God wants your brokenness so He can show you what it means to be whole. It is not an easy journey, nor is it one that seems to promise beauty at the outset. Yet, God's love is so deep that He will not let you stay the same. He will not let the brokenness have the last word. He will turn your tears into laughter and the beat of your failing heart into a powerful anthem that no fear or failure can drown out. 

    God is doing that for me. A year ago, I did not know what it was to cry or to laugh or to see myself as God does. Not really. I had never processed hurts from my past when I walked onto my college campus as a timid freshman in 2018. I had not come to grips with the fact that I had a dysfunctional family. I never realized how fast I had to grow up as a child. I had an emotionally unstable dad to care for and an unloved mother to nurture and an angry sister to appease. A memory of waking up at 3 a.m. and hearing my mom crying in the closest. Another of my sister holding me because she just wanted to feel safe. And how about the Christmas we were all gathered around the tree and nobody wanted to be there? My sister did not want to get out of bed. Why celebrate as a family when that word had lost its meaning for her? 

     Most of the members of my family have not changed much. My mom has been slowly healing from her past but still remains in an unhealthy living situation. My dad is pursuing his own path but still does not know how to love others. My sister is a freshman in college now. How I treasure her! And yet, her heart is deeply broken and she still does not know it. Or, maybe she does but only trusts in fictional characters to empathize with her pain and comfort her. 

     Broken lives. Broken hearts. Yet, not forgotten. Not hopeless. 

    And there is me. A twenty-year-old, junior journalism student who, by the grace of God, is discovering that brokenness can become a thread for a beautiful tapestry instead of an inscription on a gravestone. God has taken me on an incredible journey since my freshman summer. I have cried the bitterest tears and prayed the most desperate prayers as my insecurities and unhealthy thought patterns have raged like wildfire through my veins. Yet, now, even though I am still working to believe truth about God, how He sees me, and find joy in the pain, I can laugh more freely than I have ever before. I can cry tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I now walk with more confidence and with my head held several inches higher!  I can see God's hugs to me more distinctly through the week. I can hear His heart beat just a little bit more clearly.  Oh, how sweet it is! It is so sure. So true. I may waver, but He does not. My heart may beat one thousand beats in a second because I begin to listen to the anxious thoughts swirling in my mind or stop all together in frozen panic. But, God's heart does not stop. It does not stop; it is beating out of love for me. 

    He is taking the brokenness of my past to make me into the beautiful woman of God He wants me to be. He delights in me and He will not allow the enemy to have the last word in my life. I do not know why He has chosen me out of everyone in my dysfunctional family chain and yet He has. He wants to show me His love. He wants me to know His love so intimately that I will not have to see it to believe it. He wants me to know Him as the safe, loving, and good God He is. He wants me. 

    God loves me. He remembers me--just like Hagar in the wilderness and Hannah in the tabernacle. Just like that girl in front of the mental facility surrounded by her loved ones. 

    Ask Him to show you that He remembers you. Seek Him and He will be found by you. He is not the mistakes of your parents, the hurts of your friends, or the fears of your heart. He is...your perfect daddy, your best friend, and the hope and strength of your heart.