A Glimpse Into a Life Series: Sylvia Engdahl

Author

            Sylvia Engdahl has primarily written science fiction. She was kind enough to share with me her answers to several questions regarding her life and worldview via email. Sylvia asked to write her answers as her hearing is impaired. 

            Please enjoy the fiftieth installment in a "glimpse into a life series" highlighting author, Sylvia Engdahl. Sylvia, thank you so much for taking time to answer my questions, and doing so with thoroughness and sincerity.

            1. How would you describe your childhood? 

           It was very long ago now (in two weeks I will be 90) and my memories of it are not vivid. I don't look back on it with nostalgia.  It was neither happy nor unhappy; much of the time, especially at school, I was simply bored. I had nothing in common with other children and I didn't enjoy playing with them. All I wanted was to grow up and become a teacher (a wish that proved unfortunate when it came true). My chief companion was my mother, who taught me everything I knew and remained my closest friend throughout most of my adult life (when we were more like sisters than parent and child).

           The concept that aroused my lifelong enthusiasm and led to the deep convictions about the world underlying my novels was introduced to me when I was twelve, in a science class during which the teacher read aloud a description of what it might be like to travel in space. This was in 1946, when space was not a topic of general interest and spaceships were viewed by most as no less fantastic than fairies with wings; I had never before heard or read anything about them. I don't know why the idea immediately fascinated me, much less why a few days later I declared to a friend that I believed we'd get to the moon within 25 years (an estimate only two years off from the future reality). From the beginning, my focus was neither on adventure nor on technical details but on the importance of space to the future of humankind.

        2. What is your fondest memory as a child? 

        My fondest memory is of vacations at Bass Lake, California. We went there for the first time when I was ten and the contrast with Los Angeles, where I had always lived, made a deep and lasting impression on me. I was enthralled by the beauty of the lake, the pine-clad mountains, and the trees coming down to the shore. My father, who was then in his sixties and normally shared no interests with me or my mother, rented a small boat (and the next year bought one), the only thing he ever did that I enjoyed. I loved being out on the water. I still have a picture taken from that boat as the wallpaper on my laptop.

        3. What conversation with your mom and dad impressed itself upon your memory?

        Conversations with my mother were ongoing, and I don't recall a particular one. Those with my father that made an impression were when he laughed at my interest in astronomy; when he told me it would be foolish to go college and become a teacher since l could make just as much money as a secretary; and an especially infuriating one when at he told me at age sixteen that I was "just a little girl" too young to understand the issue involved in my parents' separation, which in fact I understood better than he did. Looking back, I realize that my father could not have been as stupid as he then seemed to me; he simply lacked the background to comprehend my interests. By the time I knew him, he was often under the influence of alcohol. He never intentionally hurt me. I feel no anger toward him now, for his failings had no lasting influence on my life.

        4. What would you title your autobiography and why? 

        Well, I wrote one many years ago for the "Something About the Author" series that I titled "An Observer of Planet Earth" and though I didn't retain it in the "Contemporary Authors" version, I think it still fits. I have always viewed this world as if from outside, which is why so many of my novels are about advanced aliens observing younger worlds. While I am not as wise or as knowledgeable as these fictional observers, I am aware that our world is part of a larger pattern in which we see only one stage in the evolution of one sapient species, and I judge my observations in that light. This is, of course, a detached view, and it's true that I've always felt detached from other people and from society, which most would consider a psychological problem. I don't interpret it that way. I believe there is value in a long view, and even in feeling apart from one's contemporaries. Individuals differ, and that is fortunate since difference, not conformity, is what drives evolution.  I have never wanted to be like everyone else. Being different is lonely, to be sure, but that's the price of gaining insight into the human condition.

        5. What is the meaning of life to you? 

        I don't know the meaning of life and I don't pretend, even to myself, that I do. I'm sure that it has a meaning. Unlike many, I don't feel it's meaningless because no meaning is apparent to me. I conceive of this life as one stage in the existence of an individual spirit (or "soul" for those to whom that term connotes individuality). What lies beyond is a mystery beyond the comprehension of anyone now alive. We cannot even guess the relationship between the spirit and the world(s) into which its physical manifestation is born. Attempts to imagine the Unknowable are pointless. The important thing, to me, is to gain as much knowledge about reality as is accessible to me and when possible, to pass on my speculations about it through my writing. Others share their view of it through various forms of creativity, and taken together these expressions are the means by which humankind, like sapient species of other worlds, evolves toward a destiny we cannot define.

        6. What makes life beautiful to you?

        "Beautiful" is not a word I would use to describe life. I have seen much beauty during the past ninety years, but I have never felt joy in simply being alive as I know some people do. This may seem strange since I am an optimist and believe there is far more good than evil in the world. Love, in all its forms, is good.  Kindness and empathy are good, as are many other human qualities. But beauty implies more than recognition of goodness. It requires an emotional response that life itself simply doesn't evoke in me. It also implies a comparison, yet life as we know it is simply a given; we have nothing to compare it with.

        Perhaps the intent of the question is more like "what makes life pleasant for you?" I have taken pleasure in the sight of beautiful landscapes, such as lakes, rivers, mountains, the ocean; from trees and flowers; from sunsets; from a cat purring in my lap. I have enjoyed travel, as well as moving to new places and fixing up different houses, which we did often throughout my middle life. I have been happiest above all during the hours I was doing work I liked: camp counseling in my college years; computer programming in my youth; writing off and on, starting in my thirties; editing and ebook production in old age, and my various personal computers were, and still are, indispensable to my ongoing contentment (since long before moving to a care facility, they've been my only live contact with the world). 

        7. What makes it hard?

        For one thing, I have never had a normal amount of physical energy, even in childhood, so I couldn't do many things I'd have liked to do, and my memories of those I did do (such as my trips to Europe) are mainly of exhaustion that detracted from my enjoyment of them. More importantly, I have never been fortunate enough to meet people who share my somewhat unusual view of the world, so even when with friends I have lacked the true companionship I craved. Thus I have been lonely, though I prefer being alone to mere socializing.

       Another frustration has been that I'm like two people. On the outside, I've appeared to be an ordinary middle-aged, now elderly woman with no knowledge or interests beyond what's typical, while on the inside I'm a person with deep thoughts and some ability to articulate them. I do not express myself well in speaking;  I must see what I'm saying in order to word it effectively. When I was young, it was said this was because I waa shy, but in fact it was the other way around. I was shy because I couldn't put my inner thoughts into spoken words. Similarly, I don't absorb ideas from listening; I have to read to grasp what's said about topics with any depth. I think auditory vs. visual preferences are detemined by the individual "wiring" of the brain.  In any case, I avoided personal appearances as a writer, even before impaired hearing made them impossible for me, as I knew I wouldn't come across well. I've rarely received the recognition I might otherwise have gained as a result. 

        The hardest thing for me to accept is the failure of my novels to reach many of the readers apt to like them. They aren't meant to appeal to the average science fiction fan, and other readers don't browse science fiction lists; so despite good reviews their audience is small. There doesn't seem to be any way around this problem, but as I reach the end of my life it haunts me. Recently, I have put some of my views into essays at my website and in independently published ebooks that are readily available at many outlets. But few people discover that they exist. Among the millions of ebooks available (Amazon now adds nearly two million each year) it's unlikely they will ever be seen. 

        8. Is there something you want to do that you still haven't done? 

         I would have liked to write more novels, especially adult novels in which I explored the themes that matter to me in more depth. I was a victim of my first novel's success, in a sense, for its status as a Newbery Honor book branded me as a "children's author" (although it was originally meant for teens). Consequently, that was the only field in which I could publish. My subsequent Young Adult novels were marketed as suitable for the same readers and given to kids too young to understand them, thus they reached only a fraction of their intended audience. 

         Moreover, I lack the ability to think of story events except on rare occasions when they come to me, and when they do they're not the action/adventure type. This alone would have kept me from writing for the adult science fiction market; but there was a stronger barrier. My view of life is not fashionable. To publish serious science fiction one must be a pessimist or a cynic. So years later, when I wrote adult science fiction for independent publication, I compromised between an attempt to make it fast-moving enough to sell and the desire to express ideas. Neither aim was successful. My work has some devoted fans who praise its optimism, but it is not what I once hoped I could achieve.

        9. What element of nature speaks most to you and why? 

        Though I enjoy the beauties of Earth's natural landscape, what speaks to me is the starry sky. The stars represent the vast universe and all that's unknown within it, as they have for most cultures throughout history. They are also the symbol of our species' future, whether or not we ever physically reach them (as I believe in time we will).  Earth is our home base, always to be loved and honored, but planets don't remain habitable forever, and if humankind survives the ultimate natural demise of this world and even its sun, it will be because we're somewhere out among the stars. Meanwhile, they beckon, inspiring us to look toward a bright future and to seek knowledge of things we cannot yet even imagine. 

        10. Is there something you would like to see change about our world? 

        I'd naturally like to see a world without war or hatred or starvation. but that will not be ours until the distant future. One of the things most irritating to me is the common idea that there is something wrong with human nature because we're not yet on the verge of eliminating these problems. We have made progress. For example, little more than a century ago, many still viewed war as glorious. Young men who enlisted early in World War I were afraid it would be over before they got into the fight. Two hundred years ago, slavery was considered normal, and in many people's eyes, unobjectionable. Those who find the present discouraging know little of the past. 

        Moreover, there are reasons for the problems that arise as our species evolves. Indirectly, they lead to the development of the techologies essential to movement into space, for which most people see no need. I think we are at the level natural for our stage of evolution, when we are still confined to a single planet with limited resources that we have outgrown and must compete for.  In my opinion, our current world problems are to be expected and will continue until we expand our civilization beyond it. I have believed since the early 1950s that even if we avoid all the catastrophes pessimists fear are coming, humankind cannot survive indefinitely without the use of extraterrestrial resources. Earth's beauty cannot be preserved unless some of us go elsewhere. So, what I'd like to see, in terms of what would be possible to see in the 21st century, is a major worldwide effort to speed the establishment of settlements in space.

        11. What individual do you look up to? 

       I look up to all who against odds, often against active opposition, have made significant contributions to the intellectual or technical advancement of humankind. I especially look up to dissidents in the fields of science and medicine who, without group support, defy the orthodoxy of their era knowing it may end their careers. I'm afraid I can't single out individuals, though I'm sure there are many with or without positions of public prominence. I also look up to astronauts, the pioneers of the next step in human evolution, who take greater risks than the public appreciates to get us on track for long-term survival.

        12. If you could be an animal, what would you be?

        I'll be a cat, of course, as they are the only animals in which I've taken interest. Cats have many qualities I admire. They're curious and like to explore. They are notoriously independent; they don't let anyone tell them what to do or not to do. They don't make choices just to please someone else. They are happier alone than in groups of their kind. Yet, they are warm and loving with people they have chosen to accept, and often become devoted to them. I still miss the series of cats that were "family" to me throughout most of my life. They filled a need for affection that could not have been met without them.

       13. What is your favorite book and why? 

        I read The Lord of the Rings before it was well known in America, and I was instantly captivated, although I'm not a big fan of fantasy. Tolkien's skill in making his world as richly-detailed and believable as a real world, his beautiful language, and his characters the reader cares about despite their differences from ourselves, combine to make the story unforgettable, even apart from its philosophy and the many quotable words of wisdom it contains. It has no equal. It is timeless, and will be read by our descendents on the distant worlds to which we someday travel.

        14. Do you have a favorite time period in history and why? 

        I view history as a continuous stream of human progress, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, leading to our ultimate breakthrough into the larger universe. It is easy to romanticize earlier ages and forget what led to the advances that have since been made. The people of past eras were not unlike ourselves, and in some ways their outlook was the same.  But they lived under the constraints of their time. The discomfort once viewed as normal was not just a lack of modern conveniences, unless one considers indoor plumbing a mere convenience.  Flush toilets were not used in homes, or even in the White House, until the 1850s. Prior to that time, large-city sewage accumulated in deep basement holes and was periodically carted away to be dumped into a nearby river. In medieval cities, sewage had often been thrown into the streets, which until shortly before the turn of the 20th century, were full of horse manure. So, despite the presence of some now admired structures, cities stank, and impure water combined with scant medical knowledge made death from disease an ever-present threat even to the wealthy. Among the poor, squalor unimaginable today was taken for granted.

      These unpleasant aspects of daily life pale beside the brutality of the past. Before the establishment of organized charities, the impoverished, when not imprisoned, were allowed to die from starvation. Going back a few hundred years, political dissidents, as well as criminals, were publicly tortured or executed for the entertainment of crowds. War was not confined to battlefields; it included rape and pillage as the routine consequence of a city's defeat, and the victors saw no harm in it. While modern bombs may kill more people, today's soldiers are less barbaric. The shift in attitudes has been gradual but undeniable. In the light of all we know about former eras, the only possible favorite is the one that has progressed the furthest, which is ours, or better, the one that will follow ours. We need to look forward, not back. The value of studying the past lies in seeing how far we have come.

        15. Do you think there is a piece of music that describes your personality? If so, what is it and why? 

        I developed a hearing impairment some years ago that took away my enjoyment of the music I used to love, loud or soft orchestral music now sounds fuzzy to me.  So, I stopped listening, and I don't recall the details of what pieces aroused my emotions.  I don't think any one of them in particular describes my personality, though perhaps my general preferences do. I liked quiet, reflective music and also stirring music that expressed my feelings about the excitement of exploring the universe and the triumph of overcoming adversities. I most often found these qualities in film scores, and collected many of them. I can’t name my favorites offhand.